Thursday, April 21, 2011

But...but...I don't WANNA die!!

Don't worry, people, I haven't been diagnosed with an incurable disease or anything. This isn't some doomsday post. I'm just being my usual hyperbolic self. Don'cha love it?!? ;)

In Christian circles, there is this term "dying to yourself," which means putting others first. I find it easy to do this for the most part, but with marriage it can be hard. I've been trying to turn over a new leaf with my wifedom, but I'm not doing very well. At least I'm trying though, right?

Here's the thing that I think (okay, okay, I KNOW) has been getting in my way for years, and the reason I can't seem to get my house clean or have enough harmony around here: I don't wanna die!! I'm pretty sure that's natural and normal, but still... There is this tug-o'-war inside me that too often just doesn't WANT to die. The whole "submissive wife" thing gets a bad wrap, and while I understand biblically how it works, I still struggle with it. I love serving people, but sometimes serving my husband just isn't that easy. And not because of him, because of ME!

"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" explains a lot, but I think a lot of the time our spirit isn't even willing. We don't WANT to be willing. We don't WANT to lay down and die. Consciously we know we should, and that it will make things better, but in our heart of hearts, we just don't want to. That has been my problem for a long, long time. For me, this stems from hurt and resentment mainly, and for issues that primarily precede my husband. But that's really no excuse.

I'm not saying my husband is a perfect guy by any means. He has his flaws just like I do. He is pretty great though. But regardless of how I feel, or whether I feel he deserves it or not, I just don't WANT to die! But therein lies the problem.

The person I hurt the most by not laying down to die is not a friend, one (or all) of my children, or even my husband. Its ME!! In a metaphorical sense, I am afraid to die. I am afraid of letting go of that control, that self-centric junk...the root of all the frustrations I deal with on a daily basis.

I don't have all the answers to turn this problem around for myself and the greater good of my marriage, but I'm working on it. Albeit feebly, but at least I'm trying. Its a start, right?!

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